time for reflection
skyscape
rozenaetr
I think I've pushed myself over my limits again.  I was trying to do something musically, but that felt dead.  I'm making peace with this, however.  Speaking of Faith is playing on the public radio station.

I was very overstimulated the other day and slept a lot.  

I think my mission is to be true to myself...and discover exactly what that is. 

I forgot how wonderful writing things down could be.  I have to once again work on my moped.  I am a little upset that things keep breaking.  I want to get it going so I can cruise out to Red Rock Park and sit in silence while there is still daylight.

Yesterday I had a weird interdimensional travel experience.  I was seeking some information about my origins and seemed to have done some space traveling.  I was just exhausted and collapsed from heat and exposure to too many people.  It had been a long time since I'd had any out-of-body experiences.

I don't know why I'm so tired lately.  I'm going to try to do a bit of biking to get my energy up, perhaps go pick up some necessities at Safeway.


scyfy and other things
skyscape
rozenaetr
I was just listening to an interesting story, "Exhalations", on the EscapePod podcast. It had been a long time since I'd read/heard of some good science presented in science fiction.  The way the story was told was interesting, too.  Here I am introduced to a conscious being, an anatomist.  Slowly, slowly, the narrators uses words I'm familiar with to describe some foreign things, a universe apart from mine.  I come to realize gradually that the living things on his world take in air because they are machines---imagine an anatomist describes vividly reanimating an arm that has pistons with argon (air).

The narrator ends up dissecting his brain to find out how it works.  To his surprise, he finds out that his memories are not the result of imprints on metal, but airflow. 

Such a lovely slice in time and a little

I feel really congested energetically and even physically at less than optimal states.  I've decided I will need to fast, so tomorrow I'm going to have my shakes and prepare for a one-day water fast.

I think this will help me become clearer about a lot of things and have more energy for my dreams.

NEWSFLASH:  I'm going to quit my second job as soon as I find a place to stay.  I've decided it's better to spend less money than to make more money and have less time at my disposal, especially if I can spend it doing things that make me feel alive.


the world is made of language....
skyscape
rozenaetr
I haven't done any sort of journaling in such a long while I feel strange.  I'm currently listening to a Terence McKenna talk.  The man was sharp!  He helps me to think about the world and myself in different way.  Such a great speaker....Check out the Psychedelic Salon podcast....every one is ambrosia for the mind.

Reality Sandwich is a good Web site.

I've been primarily obsessed with my moped, which is nearly finished!  I guess I'm surprised it actually works.  I'll post pictures of it here when I finish a few modifications later this evening.

Music is great....I'm really loving what I'm playing and what I'm coming up with. 

I was thinking about my attachment to my job.  I admit I sometimes want to be thought of as "somebody".  I do want to be respected for my works that are very close to my heart, tho 

nihon-bound!
skyscape
rozenaetr
I've become a little clear that I'd like to explore the possibility of living in Japan. It seems that's where a lot of cool music I like is coming from. There are also many hot, short guys over there. I am fascinated by both the culture and language, and I think I would enjoy being immersed in something different. I would probably stick out even more over there, tho.

So Nihon, here I come!

....in a year and a half or so.....

guilt and other things
skyscape
rozenaetr
I don't mean to post a heavy update, and I haven't been mentally bashing myself, but a conversation with a friend of mine brought something to mind recently.

I want to be a man of my word. I've canceled the last three or so appointments with my music teacher because of last-minute things and some tiredness, and he took the time to tell me he was a bit frustrated with this.

Such frustration is understandable. He might have spent some time preparing to do these things. I found it interesting that he spoke about my ability to be believed and retaining this (credibility). I feel/felt bad that I've let him down and hope I can earn his trust again.

I think part of my problem is having too many jobs because of savings issues. Another problem might be trying to do too much, not allowing for private time.

I really want to make an effort to be honest and consistent in what I do. I'm grateful for our conversation because it reminded me of this. On some level, being consistent feels good to me.

I will make out schedules and work lists and try to stick to these. This might prevent me from getting behind like I did in work this week.

from my twin births
skyscape
rozenaetr
Being born twice--my vague reference to something--has given me a unique insight into the struggles of men and women.

So I have issues around being worthy/loved and whether or not I will be successful enough (by my standards). While I do crave acknowledgement from others, I am mostly motivated by my own values and cannot by satisfied merely by the approval of others.

I had to cover something rather disturbing yesterday. A woman who finally had the courage to leave her husband after six years of abuse ended up being tracked down for his murder, something unbeknownst to her until the U.S. Marshals rang her mobile to let her know they had her surrounded.

According to her, her "husband"---(curses deleted)--forced her into prostitution to pay their bills. I wonder why she stayed with him.

Here I am dealing with wounded invisibilty again. One part of me screams, "I refuse to be ignored!" and another fears this narcissistic part can never be satisfied.

I must go an entertain more silence.

Mwahahaha.

remake this.
skyscape
rozenaetr
I am at a low point creatively and motivationally. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, whether it's supposed to mean anything. I have acne on my back.

I want to feel good about my music and projects in general, but I think I need to do something. Ideas that come to mind: recuperation, working on non-musical projects, taiji, more raw food, better sleep, more time alone.

I've also felt a keen need to open up my heart somehow. I don't know if I'm killing myself with too many distractions from my creative work or what. I guess that the less I do it, the less jazzed I feel.

Everyone has down times, I keep trying to remind myself. Creativity comes in cycles. I would like to increase my creative output, tho.

I had this problem a few years ago, too. I just decided to set up times to write, set goals for myself, like one song a week. That's manageable. And at least 30 minutes of practice.

In my mind, I make a distinction between practice time and writing time. My goal has been to produce more songs, but I also realized the other day just how much more I have to learn as a musician. It might just be a point of picking something good and interesting to work on.

I have many instruments.

My awesome penpal has asked for my help in working on a "psycho space opera". I am excited about the possibility.

I feel that I let NPB down. He seems not so happy to see me lately. Of course, he could be going through some things himself. It's not always about me. I've been meaning to broach the topic with him. He seems to be avoiding me.

I know I have the potential to be consistent, but I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew at one time. Very unprofessional, and bad for relationships with other people. I accept that it has happened. Sometimes I, too, run on autopilot. I've a bad habit of spacing things out.....GOSH!

I've been really desiring to be silent and get away from people. I'm excited about taking up the habit of sitting meditation again. It might help my mind. Of course, meditation happens all the time if one is mindful.

Back to the heart. My heart has felt closed, and I've been increasingly aware of it. I've come to think that opening my heart will have a huge effect on my music, all my creative projects really.

I'm going to do a bit of reading on the energetic heart.

new life
skyscape
rozenaetr
I've been feeling a need to reinvent myself and my music lately. I am a little bored with it and thinking about a need to push my boundaries. I'm hoping to post some of the results here.

Lately I've been listening to a bit of Antony and the Johnsons. I thought I recognized his voice on Björk's album Volta.

I just listened to his interview on NPR's fresh air.

Something I really want to develop is a great emotional connection with my performances. My heart is not completely open. I want my performances to be the thing, not to describe the stories.

(re)introduction
skyscape
rozenaetr
I really dislike doing self-summaries because they seem to become out-of-date so fast, and generally inadequate at capturing the personally. Nonetheless, I'll try to write something that's not too nebulous. I'm all about pushing my limits and doing something meaningful. I think my mission revolves around helping people (including myself) realize that there is a way to live a life worth living. I generally dislike labels, but I realise some people can't do without them.

I lean toward taoism. While I don't 'go out' in the common sense of the phrase, I can often be found out-of-doors.

I enjoy having deep conversations and making people laugh. People think I'm too serious, but I just don't mind thinking about difficult things sometimes.

I draw, write, compose and play music, work on independent films (stop motion and live action). My creative projects are funded through my day job as a journalist.

I have sort of big hair now.  People usually notice my hair and my (beautiful) eyes when they meet me.  I could be classified as Black/African American.  Most of my experience of "Blackness" has been other people's projections onto me moreso than anything I've directly identified with.

Just because I'm soft-spoken and don't talk a lot doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say, just that I don't always have to say something.  I spend a lot of time thinking about existential questions, how to make more time for my creative projects, and constellations.

Right now I live in New Mexico, in a town called Gallup.  I love the landscape, but could do without the people sometimes.  You can often see me on my bike or on foot because I don't drive.  (I can drive, but I just like moving my body better.)  I like to think I'm reclaiming public space for pedestrians.

I guess you could say I'm into challenging the status quo and other "radical" things.  Being yourself and following your own path despite the well-meaning advice of others is radical, I think.  I have no real interest in settling down and living a "normal" or "safe" life. This is probably explained better through the writings in my journal.

I've been on T* since April 2007.  I generally label myself as gay, tho I've been liking the label queer more lately, since I'm not usually very sexually attracted to people.  Homo-romantic  and post-gay might be a better words.  (Who cares?)  Without trying, I seem not to fit into categories very well, or at least my identity requires the creation of new categories with complicated names that people don't want to try to remember anyway.

I felt like going overboard in my introduction.  I like reading stuff like Daniel Pinchbeck, Joseph Campbell, Jeanette Winterson, space operas, Doris Lessing.  I also have hobbies of watching clouds, practicing kung fu and taiji, watching people and cataloguing plants. 

you can hear some of my music at myspace.com/greyswan

like bees shouldn't fly but they do, I think I should, too
skyscape
rozenaetr
So much has been going on since I got back from New York.

Summary

I received a letter from Br.  and experienced that high for a little while. I have gone ahead with starting the queer social group. I began thinking about androgyny and sexuality again, had a disturbing conversation with a roommate in which she encouraged me to take a secure path, and have been actually feeling focused.  Let's address these one at a time.

unbelonging

I realized that I generally don't do well in trying to belong to a group.  I used to think there was something wrong with me.  Maybe now I can think I'm special!  (Hardy Har har!!)  I just find the thought of belonging very...suffocating.  I want to be accepted, but not to belong to anything.

Individuals, I can relate to.  Groups seem to repel  me, get me into trouble, are too confining.

a sweet  young man

My initial infatuation with Br. seems to have faded a little in his absence.  There is magic surrounding this guy, however you put it.  I would like to see him again.  He wrote that my "admission" changed nothing between us--only things for the better.  I wrote him a long letter in reply and am awaiting a response.  I admire his honesty and focus.

This town is enough to turn anyone straight.

Queers VS queers

Now as I realize there's nothing queer about LGBTQ2IA (ahh! what a long acronym!) people, and that I don't fit in those categories very well, I'm going ahead with the idea of starting the social group.  Ultimately, it is individuals that are queer, not groups.  Groups just create different (restrictive) norms for their members.

This segues well into the sexuality part.  My studies of androgyny and wholeness and desire to love all things have led me to the conclusion that I should be able to love all people--including females.  I'm not very comfortable with the idea  at this point because I don't want to fall into the trap of hetero-normative relationships.

This situation is further complicated by the cycles I go through in feeling attraction to men, feeling asexual and then being open to the possibility of attraction to women.  Whenever I accept the latter, the cycle seems to reset itself.  This acceptance seems to release a lot of energy as libido.  The other curious thing is that I don't find any women attractive, really.

Sometimes I think libido is not just sexual, but evidence of a possibility for greater connection.

Perhaps I am curious because I've never had an experience with a woman.  Kade has a similar weirdness is attraction, but he identifies as gay.  He's one of the few gay men I know who likes watching straight porn. I've thought about hooking up with couples, but the idea repulses me a bit.

So often, my sexual arousal has nothing to do with people.  I think I am at least open to the idea of person-based attraction. Sexuality is probably fluid.  I have loved women in the past.  Probably a good, funny label is ex-heterosexual.  Even that is incorrect, tho.  My earliest crushes were on boys.  I just prefer them.

In my journaling I explore how my sense of queerness was connected to challenging the status quo, tho most queer people might not be interested in this.

Deeper  connections needn't be sexual. I don't really feel moved to experiment at this point.  I think I need to be inching in this way, however, to love anything and everything.

Don't believe what other people think of you. it could destroy you!

My housemate, J.S. (unknowingly) insulted me by saying that I wasn't adventurous, that I liked comfort, and essentially something about how I wouldn't make it trying to pursue my dreams.  For an adventurous person, I was surprised she should give me such advice.  I guess I should feel good because it shows she cares.  Nevertheless, she can often be arrogant, and doesn't always seem to be interested---or really very much interested in what others have to say.  I accept her as she is.  I'll do what I've always done: smile and go about my own business, proving them wrong.

Her truths needn't be mine.

new focus

I have passion, but I am quiet, so people think I have no fire.  And because I don not presume to tell everyone what is right for them, people think me timid.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  My strength, my conviction are abiding.

My adventures have been primarily inner ones, the dangerous terrain that of one whose thoughts and feelings go against societal norms.  Do not presume because I am not well-traveled I am a lover of comfort.  Danger and discomfort are near-constant companions for anyone who dares to think.

Of course, the conversation with JS was useful because it said explicitly how much harder (or smarter?) I'll have to work at my passions and devote myself.  I worry I've been too indecisive. 

Just saving for my medical procedure, I seem to have fooled everyone, including myself, that I'm attached to the idea of success and comfort and being esteemed in the eyes of others.  I've always been wary--no, (violently) opposed to ordering my life to fit into these roles.  Domesticity and taking the safe route have terrified me.  I have my own greatness to pursue.  A soul is too beautiful a thing to crush by doing what works.

What can I say, I'm not practical.

She did inspire me to get my shit together and keep my eyes on the prize and escape from this land of enchantment, tho.

Good show.  I have been really focusing on the present more lately, and enjoying  working toward my dreams.  I am ready to devote myself to my music.  I think other points will be other creative projects and this amorphous project of inspiring other people to be themselves instead of what other people want them to be.

More on that later. 


?

Log in