- like bees shouldn't fly but they do, I think I should, too
- January 28th, 2009
So much has been going on since I got back from New York.
I received a letter from Br. and experienced that high for a little while. I have gone ahead with starting the queer social group. I began thinking about androgyny and sexuality again, had a disturbing conversation with a roommate in which she encouraged me to take a secure path, and have been actually feeling focused. Let's address these one at a time.
I realized that I generally don't do well in trying to belong to a group. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Maybe now I can think I'm special! (Hardy Har har!!) I just find the thought of belonging very...suffocating. I want to be accepted, but not to belong to anything.
Individuals, I can relate to. Groups seem to repel me, get me into trouble, are too confining.
a sweet young man
My initial infatuation with Br. seems to have faded a little in his absence. There is magic surrounding this guy, however you put it. I would like to see him again. He wrote that my "admission" changed nothing between us--only things for the better. I wrote him a long letter in reply and am awaiting a response. I admire his honesty and focus.
This town is enough to turn anyone straight.
Queers VS queers
Now as I realize there's nothing queer about LGBTQ2IA (ahh! what a long acronym!) people, and that I don't fit in those categories very well, I'm going ahead with the idea of starting the social group. Ultimately, it is individuals that are queer, not groups. Groups just create different (restrictive) norms for their members.
This segues well into the sexuality part. My studies of androgyny and wholeness and desire to love all things have led me to the conclusion that I should be able to love all people--including females. I'm not very comfortable with the idea at this point because I don't want to fall into the trap of hetero-normative relationships.
This situation is further complicated by the cycles I go through in feeling attraction to men, feeling asexual and then being open to the possibility of attraction to women. Whenever I accept the latter, the cycle seems to reset itself. This acceptance seems to release a lot of energy as libido. The other curious thing is that I don't find any women attractive, really.
Sometimes I think libido is not just sexual, but evidence of a possibility for greater connection.
Perhaps I am curious because I've never had an experience with a woman. Kade has a similar weirdness is attraction, but he identifies as gay. He's one of the few gay men I know who likes watching straight porn. I've thought about hooking up with couples, but the idea repulses me a bit.
So often, my sexual arousal has nothing to do with people. I think I am at least open to the idea of person-based attraction. Sexuality is probably fluid. I have loved women in the past. Probably a good, funny label is ex-heterosexual. Even that is incorrect, tho. My earliest crushes were on boys. I just prefer them.
In my journaling I explore how my sense of queerness was connected to challenging the status quo, tho most queer people might not be interested in this.
Deeper connections needn't be sexual. I don't really feel moved to experiment at this point. I think I need to be inching in this way, however, to love anything and everything.
Don't believe what other people think of you. it could destroy you!
My housemate, J.S. (unknowingly) insulted me by saying that I wasn't adventurous, that I liked comfort, and essentially something about how I wouldn't make it trying to pursue my dreams. For an adventurous person, I was surprised she should give me such advice. I guess I should feel good because it shows she cares. Nevertheless, she can often be arrogant, and doesn't always seem to be interested---or really very much interested in what others have to say. I accept her as she is. I'll do what I've always done: smile and go about my own business, proving them wrong.
Her truths needn't be mine.
I have passion, but I am quiet, so people think I have no fire. And because I don not presume to tell everyone what is right for them, people think me timid. Nothing could be further from the truth. My strength, my conviction are abiding.
My adventures have been primarily inner ones, the dangerous terrain that of one whose thoughts and feelings go against societal norms. Do not presume because I am not well-traveled I am a lover of comfort. Danger and discomfort are near-constant companions for anyone who dares to think.
Of course, the conversation with JS was useful because it said explicitly how much harder (or smarter?) I'll have to work at my passions and devote myself. I worry I've been too indecisive.
Just saving for my medical procedure, I seem to have fooled everyone, including myself, that I'm attached to the idea of success and comfort and being esteemed in the eyes of others. I've always been wary--no, (violently) opposed to ordering my life to fit into these roles. Domesticity and taking the safe route have terrified me. I have my own greatness to pursue. A soul is too beautiful a thing to crush by doing what works.
What can I say, I'm not practical.
She did inspire me to get my shit together and keep my eyes on the prize and escape from this land of enchantment, tho.
Good show. I have been really focusing on the present more lately, and enjoying working toward my dreams. I am ready to devote myself to my music. I think other points will be other creative projects and this amorphous project of inspiring other people to be themselves instead of what other people want them to be.
More on that later.